Tidus and his Banjo
by Eric and Derek
Summary: Totally mad! This story is full to the brim of surprises, and randomness. Bascically, the story is about an evil Gecko and Tidus's banjo. a few weasels, ninjas and psychotic madness. YOUR DAILY ALLOWENCE TO RANDOM WEIRDNESS BEGINS HERE! please r and r!
1. Tidus and his Banjo

**Tidus and his Banjo**

**13th April**

We're obsessed with Banjos so we decided to write a story on the time Tidus found the love of his life, his Banjo.

This is a mad little story we came up with at school after singing the Banjo song

**Prologue **

" Mummy, mummy, when I was in school today, we learned about music." Exclaimed a delighted 7 year old Tidus. " We learned about Fruits and a thing, something called a Carrot."

" Dear, don't you mean Clarinet? What else did you learn, Honey?" answered his mother who was more involved looking out to sea, in search of Jecht, who had disappeared about 3 weeks ago.

" I don't know... oh! Something called a...a...Git...Git-"

" Guitar?"

" Yeah mummy! A Gitter! And this one, that Badger thing..." He stood and pondered over the ' badger thing' but failed to understand.

**3 weeks later**

" Mummy, mummy, I know what the Badger is! It's actually called a Banjo or something...can I get one?" He pleaded as he quite literally pulled down his mother's trousers "I **_NEED_** a Banjo!"

" I'm quite sure you don't really need one that badly, are you certain? I can't afford lessons" Who had not moved from her place that she stood in 3 weeks beforehand. She was begginning to rot and Tidus could see the patches of mould, including the flies that were laying eggs in her decaying flesh.

" Mummy, mummy, are you alright, because you're starting to get really stinky you haven't, moved for 6 weeks!"

" Yes, love, I'm fine...just waiting for your father to get back from work." She sighed and turned her head to nod at Tidus.

" Mummy, mummy, Daddy doesn't work though! He's just a lazy, big headed alcoholic that is just rubbish at Blitzball!"

" Tidus! I never expected you to say that!"

" I didn't...that's what everyone else tells me" Tidus put on the puppy eyes " Mummy, am I allowed to have my Banjo?"

"Only if you swear to never say that again about your father!"

**The week after **

Tidus was approached by his mother whilst playing with his toy Sir Auron doll, who was currently having his head smashed in by an unwanted cherry cake. She was holding a very worn looking box that had the words ' imported illegally from Luxembourg Hienen Screibet' (What ever that means I don't know, not unless I happen to take up learning Luxembourgish) printed in red on the side. She handed him the tattered box that he opened so quickly it was like there was no yesterday (that doesn't make sense either).

" Mummy, Thank you! I always wanted a tattered box! Um...what do I need it for?" He squealed.

" It's a Banjo, honey! Look!" She said softly and with an over exaggerated arm movement. " Like you asked for!" patting him on the head.

"Oh, yes I didn't see that there. Thanks."

And so began a beautiful love with his Banjo. Tidus's Banjo. No one else's Banjo. Tidus's.

**Chapter 1**

The gang was stopping at Rin's travel agency, where at the present Wakka and Tidus were arm wrestling, naturally, it wasn't really an arm wrestle, it was more like an arm flop as neither of the knuckleheads were winning. It was about 10.p.m and the rest were planning their route to Zanarkand. Rikku was attempting to steal Auron's hip flask full 'juice' (yeah 'juice' my butt, it was Gin really) and when she finally got her sticky hands on it she began to sip it. Lulu was attempting to be knowledgeable by planning the road, and Auron (poor old sod) was falling asleep, with his head near Yuna's chest area. Obviously Yuna was extremely uncomfortable with this, and therefore was edging away from him. Kimahri was trying to catch a Locust but was unsuccessful, and like I said Ginger knucklehead and Prettyboy knucklehead continued arm flopping.

Next morning they set out on the Mi'hen Highroad. The sun was beaming a pleasant orange on the surface of the water. Only a small item bobbed up and down with the waves. 'Beautiful' Tidus thought 'if only that damned scrap of wood wasn't wrecking it all, man...I'm gonna get my revenge on that blasted...' " Banjo!" Tidus screamed " that's my Banjo!"

The others, who were now halfway there, were sprinting back to see what the fuss was about.

" What's up?" Questioned Yuna

" That, my girlfriend, is my love"

"But I thought that I was the love of your life!"

" No! Eww you? You've never had a place in my heart, Banjo did." His eyes glazed over and he stared dreamily at the former Banjo that floated on the water.

" You're Banjo, ya? Well then go get her!"

" It's not a her!" yelled Tidus snapping back into the real world

" Then it's a he? Is it a he, ya?" asked Wakka

" Tidus, I didn't expect YOU to be gay! I always thought it was Wakka" stated Lulu who then received an evil glare from a 'soon to have a face redder than my hair'ed Wakka.

After reaching the bottom of the High road, Tidus retrieved the lump of decayed wood that was his Banjo. He was sure.

" It's broken!"

A long and boring hour had passed, fighting fiends, gaining AP, usual stuff. Yuna looked round to find Tidus was no where to be seen.

" Tidie Whidus! Oh! My darling!" she called, but there came no answer.

About 100 metres away, Tidus was snogging his Banjo, despite the fact that it was mouldy, covered in Lichen, and dripping wet, Tidus was rather enjoying himself having an affair with a former tree.

Yuna approached Tidus, who caught him in mid-kiss.

" Do you realize that that is just a stupid lump of wood?" She hissed, giving him a stare that made Tidus's bloods run cold. " I mean it's not exactly going to love you back, now is it?"

" Banjo, after all these years together, why didn't you tell me that you never loved me? Oh, Banjo! How could you?" wailed Tidus. Yuna simply rolled her eyes. " Doyouwanna hear my Banjo song? Well, here we go! BANJO! BANJO! Diddle diddlediddlediddle diddle diddlediddlediddle! BANJO! BANJO!" Yuna slapped herself in the face, and whacked Tidus with an unwanted Cherry cake that Kimahri had cooked for her when she was 15.

**That night **

All was quiet. But not everyone was asleep. Sir Auron was wide-awake, on the prowl.

Lulu was getting rather disturbed as Wakka's sleep grunts could be heard from the next room. (Lulu had deciphered a code, One grunt meant ' I'm thinking of Girls', and Two grunts meant 'I'm thinking of Boys') So far, the grunt count had come to two.

Auron approached the bed where Tidus lay, clutching his Banjo to his chest.

' How the hell am I gonna do this?' He thought ' Mikka Becko won't be pleased if I don't get it.' He carefully clapped his hands round the neck of the Banjo and tugged. And failed.

" My precious, precious Banjo, I love you and would never leave you, even if I do have my eyes set on Wakka and Sir Gatta, but oh well..." Tidus muttered in his sleep.

" What the freakin' heck is he on about? Gatta? I always thought that was Wakka's man!" giggled Auron.

Tidus woke up, " WHO'S THERE!" he screamed.

" err...It's meeee..." Auron thought quickly

" Me? Who's me? Tell me, who me is!"

" It's meeee...the ghost of ...of your hamsterrrr..." sang Auron.

" HAMSTER! I never had a hamster!"

" Well...um I'm the ghost of...of your hamster...to beee!"

" What? Mr. Lopylit? Sorry, I didn't know that hamsters shouldn't be fed uncooked chicken..."

" Eh? No,no, I'm your future hamster, how could you kill me? I mean ...er...meeee?"

" Yeah, but that's the way I'd like to kill a hamster. You see if I don't feed you in the present then I also can't feed you in the future, and by the time I get there, I won't have fed you, so you can't be there and you don't exist, so then there's no need to feed a hamster, but you're dead anyway, so I've already killed you even if you don't exist yet, so that means you haven't been fed." Said Tidus almost swallowing his tongue.

" What?" questioned an extremely brain crashed Auron.

" Well. If you ha-"

" Shut up, moron!"

" Auron?"

" No, I'm your flippin' hamster! Anyways, if you don't give me your Banjo, I shall be forced to chomp your head off!"

" You're not my hamster. You're Auron."

" why do make such accusationsssss?"

" The light's on mate." Said Tidus in a superior way. Auron just stared, ran over to the other side of the room and switched off the light.

" I am the ghost of.. oh damn it, give me the Banjo!" Auron flew at Tidus landing on his stomach.

" AHHHHHHHHHHH! HELP! I've got an old man _raping _me!" Screamed Tidus kicking Auron in the teeth.

" GIVE...ME...THAT..._BANJO_!"

" NEVER! YOU WILL NEVER TAKE IT AALLIIVVE!"

" I...SAID...GIVE...ME..._THAT BANJO!"_

Tidus and Auron continued they're fighting, by the end of it Auron had lost two fingers, a tooth, and many hairs (he looses enough in his old age anyway) and had a bright red mark on his face. Tidus had had his arm splattered, lost an eye and Auron's snapped off fingers were up Tidus's nostrils, but worst of all, he had lost his Banjo.

**At the Hideout Luxembourg Hieinen Screibet **

" Good work, Sir Auron, Mikka Becko will be pleased." A creature smothered in a black cape emerged from the shadows.

" Mikka Becko!" gasped Auron with an over exaggerated bow.

" Haff you retiffed the Banjo?" Said the creature named Mikka Becko. He swung off his cloak to reveal himself as a giant humanoid Gecko

" I haff...I mean have Sir..." Auron said as he bent down on one knee presenting the Banjo.

" You should place the bomb, Tidus and his gay friend Wakka annoy me, BLOW THEM UP! MUHAHAHAHA!" yelled Mikka Becko the evil Gecko. ( ooh that rhymes!)

" Bomb? But I can't kill Tidus, that would be disrespecting Jechts wish! Wakka I'm' okay with destroying, but not Tidus! He was fun to rape..." Auron muttered " I won't do it!"

and with that Auron stomped all the way back to Spira

**Back on the Mi'hen Highroad **

" Thanks Auron, I thought you'd never give it back! I mean it's not as if you'd send it to some evil Gecko who'd plan to put a bomb in it and blow me and Wakka up, would you?" Laughed Tidus with an awkward smile.

" No...of course...not, I'd never dream...of doing such an evil...thing!" stuttered Auron yanking at his collar and breaking a sweat.

" HEY! ANY UP FOR A BANJO SINGALONG? Here we go! BANJO! BANJO! Diddle diddlediddlediddle diddle diddlediddlediddle. BANJO!BANJO!"

And that concludes Tidus and his Banjo.

_**FOR NOW...**_

Well there you go! Lets us know if you like it, we will be writing another chapter soon!


	2. BanjoMan, the banjo loving super hero

**Tidus and Banjo Man**

**15th April**

This is the next Chapter to Tidus and his Banjo. Pretty mad Title, We know. Please read and review and tell us any ideas you have for the next chapter. Enjoy!

**Prologue **

Tidus was bored. He sat in front of the TV and daydreamed about his Banjo.

" Man...I'm sooooo bored!" Tidus shouted. No one listened. " I SAID _I'M SOOOO **BORED**_!"

" Watch a video then!" called Yuna. " put Bambi on or something."

" Bambi? That's for little kids."

" Exactly" muttered Lulu. Tidus just sat. And sat. And sat. He crossed his arms and pouted pulling an extremely sour face. ' Man...Rin seriously needs to update this place. He has no sense of style. I mean blue walls? What you need is Pink! Pink is great, I mean that doesn't imply I'm a pansy at all, but pink's fantastic!' thought Tidus with a smile.

" Auron, what film do you recommend baby bubblehead to watch?" asked Yuna to Auron who was concentrating getting his baked beans neatly on his chopsticks.

" Eh? Oh, Batman, Batman's a good film!" said Auron looking at Yuna with utmost disgust on his face.

" Sir Auron? Have I said something wrong?"

" Yes you have! Baked bean number 17 won't line up right on the left-hand chopstick about 2.349 cm from the end. That's YOUR fault, you spoke to me!"

" Do you have to be so precise?" asked Wakka.

" Yes! I'm officially an old geezer now. Batman's a good film, put that on."

So Tidus put Batman on. And watched. It gave him ideas...

**Chapter 2 **

It was morning. And Tidus was still on the sofa in front of the TV, he hadn't moved from the night before. Tidus had stayed up all night watching all the Batman films.

" Rikku! Get your skinny little ass out of that bed! It's morning!" called Lulu.

" Rikku had late night. Rikku beat Wakka in 'arm flops'" giggled Kimahri whose fur was matted and his tail was knotted. He'd been in Catty Scraps. " Tidus watched Batman. Tidus ill."

" I'm...not...ill..." Tidus breathed. " Ban...jo...man..." and with that Tidus scampered to his room and wasn't seen for another half-hour.

" Banjo Man, saving lives of citizens!" It was Tidus. He skidded into the kitchen with a towel round his neck as his cape. He was wearing Wakka's spare clothes ( you know the yellow trousers and sandals ? ) with Lulu's knickers on the outside. He had tied his Banjo to his forehead with string and was wearing Auron's glasses with the lenses popped out ( Auron wasn't too happy, he says " Damn you boy! I can't see without those spectacles! HAND THEM OVER!") " I am Banjo Man!" he cried. " I am here to save citizens!"

" Yes, you've told us that." Said Yuna. None of them looked round. " And what exactly does Banjo Man do?"

" BANJO MAN! SAVES THE LIVES OF CITIZENS!" Tidus yelled.

And that was that, Tidus had left the name Tidus in the dust, he was now Banjo Man.

**Thunder Plains : North **

" Does any one feel as though we shoulda left him in Luca?" whispered Wakka to Lulu. " Blast Sir Auron for insistin' we bring him!"

" He needs emotional support, should we sell him to the mental home?"

" I don't think he needs sellin' to 'em...I think it'll be US paying them to take him of our hands"

Wakka sneaked a glance at Tidus. He was trying to fly.

" BANJO MAN! SAVING THE LIFE OF THAT FIEND!" Tidus could be heard trying to save an Evil Eye from the top of the lightning rod. " damn it, I thought Auron's glasses would let me fly..." Tidus was standing at a slant with his arms out in front of him. Unfortunately, Banjo Man had left the agency in ' Uniform'.

" He needs a slap" hissed Yuna as she glanced a Tidus readjusting Lulu's knickers.

" God how does she wear these? A bit tight round my-"

" Oh, nuts! Those are my knickers! Tidus!" cried Lulu.

Everyone giggled.

By the time the gang had reached the other end of the Thunder Plains, Tidus had tried to fly by tapping Auron's glasses, tried to activate a gravity defying force field by slapping Wakka's sandals on the ground and attempted to unleash an almighty Hyper Mega Ultimate Aurora Beam by stretching the elastic string holding his towel on, to choke himself. Pretty unsuccessful, I know.

**Macalania **

" Tidus-"

" Banjo Man!"

" BANJO MAN THEN! This has GOT to stop! How many times have you actually saved something?"

"1,2,3,4,5,6...7...8...none... I haven't saved anything yet..." he replied to Yuna's question. " But banjo man will find -"

" SHUT...UP!" yelled Auron. " stop this foolish nonsense NOW!"

" you watch...all of you! I'll save all of you're lives one day...and you'll be grateful...you mark my words. I'm leaving you forever!"

**4 days later**

The gang did not move that day when Tidus left them. They stayed where they were for half a week. They knew that Tidus would return to them.

" Um...Sorry, can I join again?" whispered Tidus from behind.

" Yeah so much for leaving us forever..." hissed Wakka.

" Yeah we knew you wouldn't last a week! Ya know?"

" Shut it Rikku."

" Banjo Man is always successful! I saved a ladybird from certain death" boasted a cold, shivering Tidus.

Everyone gave a sarcastic ' oooooooooo'

" Ah ha! I'm about to save this flea in Kimahri's fur," said Banjo Man with an overexaggerated jump.

" Kimahri not have fleas..." he groaned scratching himself frantically " It is only a...a..."

" Flea? I will save you from Kimahri's bad breath! Have no fear! B Man is here!

" B Man?"

" Er...Banjo Man didn't fit, so I shortened it." Said Tidus as he plucked Kimahri in search of the flea.

**Luxembourg Hienen Scriebet **

" Banjo Man is a thrrrreat. Ve must destrrroy him!" ordered a giant caped Gecko called Mikka Becko

" Yesss obliterrrate him! He-vill-no-longer-exsssisssst!"

" Wha? Oh yeah, My diet starrts tomorrrrow!"

" No you morrron, Tidus endsss tomorrrow!"

The secret organization of evil mastermind humanoid Gecko's was yet again plotting the end of Tidus. (Long story, won't go there...well maybe in another chapter...perhaps...Muhahahaha!...sorry...) anyway, they wanted the Banjo back.

" In order to commemorate this meeting, Ve do the secret Gecko Noise!" announced Mikka Becko.

The entire clan of Humanoid Gecko's began a dance with their feet crawling up and invisible wall, making an odd sucking noise. " Shlup shlup shlup" with every 3 'shlups' they stuck their tongues out 3 times and repeated it. (Odd I know).

**Back at Macalania **

" I HAVE COME TO A REALIZATION!" Tidus announced while dancing on a rock, " THAT BANJO MAN IS FOR SAD WANNABE'S! THEREFOR, FROM THIS DAY HENCEFORTH, I SHALL NO LONGER BE KNOWN AS BANJO MAN!" Everyone cheered " HOLD UP! I SHALL BE RECOGNISED UNDER THE NAME OF MEGA BANJO MAN!" Everyone groaned. " MEGA BANJO MAN AND HIS SIDE-KICK, THE INCREDIBLE, ( from the crowd – oooooh!) INDESTUCTABLE ( OOOOOOH!) UNBELIEVABLY _HOT _(men from the audience – **_OOOOOOOH!_** ) SUMMONER BANJO WOMAN!" with that, Yuna walked onto the rock in her FFX-2 outfit. ' How did I get dragged into this?' she thought

After the night's events, Yuna was depressed.

" Hey, wassup?" whispered Tidus in her ear. " Why are you depressed? Banjo Woman is SOOOOOOOO cool! I like her out fit any way, I can see you're knickers hehehehehe! Well, at least they aren't Granny Pants."

" I hate you, with this stupid BANJO business."

" What's to hate?"

" It's pathetic!"

"Wanna kiss and make up?"

"Wanna slap?"

" Hey easy, feisty fox!"

" I-mean-it"

" Well if you're gonna slap me, slap me on the ass please, your hands are warm when you are hungry for love..." said Tidus putting his hands on Yuna's hips.

" GET LOST!" and with that, Yuna put chewing Gum in his hair

" _AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE ULTIMATE TORTURE! YOU WRECKRD MY BLEACH_ _BLONDE HAIR STYLE_!"

" If you were male Tidus, I'd have kicked you in the soft spot. So thank Yevon you are a pansy."

**The next day **

Tidus was back to normal.

" Who's up for the Banjo Song? Heeeeeeeeeeere we go! BANJO!BANJO! diddle diddlediddlediddle diddle diddlediddlediddle. BANJO!BANJO!"

**well...almost...**

**The Humanoid Gecko's will seek revenge...**

_**To be continued...**_

_**MORAL : Now kids what does this tell you...**_

_**Don't be, who you want to be, either be you, or be a Humanoid Gecko,( they get all the destructive fun!). You'll either get your hair wrecked, or if you're a boy, you'll get you're nuts kicked in.**_

Hoped you liked it, Just so ya know, We've made up the whole Gecko thing, so don't worry if you think you've missed something in the game! yeah, sorry about the delays on the stories, the computer wouldn't get it's fat robotic-chip ass out of the " access denyed " system. so basically we couldn't log in. I don't know WHY you lot needed to know this, but for any fans out there, that's the reason we havn't written any stories for a while!

Please review and tell us what you think xxx Nyviay and Cyraxis

_**Cyraxis, I'm REALLY sorry, I know that YOU wanted to do the second Chapter, I did try to contact you on Friday, but you weren't in, so I thought I'd give you a bit longer to think. SORRY again! Don't get too mad!**_


	3. Gecko strike!

**23rd April 2005**

**A/N:** The third chapter of the epic tale of banjo man! Madness and chaos ensue! Please read and review!

**Gecko strike!**

"Wait! My banjo sense is tingling!" cried Tidus, or rather Banjo man, for the 17th time that day. Yuna and her guardians were on the highroad, and so far there had been 17 'endangered citizens'. The first had been a ladybird that was in the middle of the path, the second a blitzball that was in danger of getting a puncture, so our intelligent hero kicked as far as he could. The most dramatic one was when he had saved a young child from the hands of evil (her parent was giving her a piggyback ride).

"Argh! What da hell is it this time!" said Wakka, almost screaming with frustration.

"Banjo man- to the rescue! Vrooooooom!" exclaimed Tidus, as he 'flew' off to save the spider from the clutches of Lulu's stuffed mog.

"If we leave now, maybe he wont notice were gone." Whispered Wakka to Lulu, who giggled. Few people know that their annoyance with Tidus is what brought them together.

A few minutes Tidus returned, looking very proud of himself. "Well, Banjo man is once again- victorious!"

"Tidus, I think we need to have a little chat about this whole 'Banjo Man' thing. You see, the thing is-" Yuna started.

"Aaeeiiiii! Someone! Please! Heeeelp!" a woman screamed, shrilly.

"Not now, Yuna! This looks like a job for Banjo Man!" said Tidus, running in the direction of the scream, the other side of over hill.

"I think that we'd better go help- I think this is a job for people who can actually lift a sword!" stated Auron.

So the gang headed off after Tidus, with a strange feeling of dread in the bottom of their stomachs. Something was wrong, the air felt different. Now more screams joined the woman's, and they could hear the war cries of Banjo Man filtering through the air "Hah! Take that! You want some! Banjo Man shall conquer you evil scum! Back to the shadows from whence you came!"

They reached the crest of the hill, and looked down upon the chaos that was below. Scaled fiends were running amock, chasing after civilians. In the midst of the havoc was Banjo man, fighting of the beasts. They looked to be some sort of lizards, they had sticky pads on the ends of their fingers, their eyes glinted with pure malice, and their razor-sharp teeth glinted manically in the sunlight.

"What is this new devilry!" cried Auron, despairingly.

"It is the Geckos." Said Wakka, quietly. "An army from the shadows, their hearts twisted and black, servants of the evil Mikka Becko."

"Mikka what? Who's that?" inquired Lulu.

"Mikka Becko, the humanoid Gecko. Long have my kind and I dreaded this day. Many years ago I helped overthrow him and his army in the battle of Yuliam. We have always hoped that was the end of his evil reign, but we have always known deep down that only the one prophesised about could mean his downfall."

"What are you on about? What do you mean 'your kind'?" Lulu asked, suspiciously.

"There's something that I need to tell you, but first of all, we must aid Banjo Man- I mean Tidus." Wakka corrected himself.

It was a long and hard battle, but the heroes managed to come off the better, and won with only a few superficial wounds. They sat down to rest, but Wakka spoke out.

"NO! We cannot rest! More will come, Mikka Becko knows of our presence. And… I need to find out something, I think the answer may be closer than I first realised."

"Where are we going?" piped up Rikku.

"To Yuliam, we must consult Ermalily."

So they left, more than a little confused (as I'm sure you all are, just bear with it, you will soon discover the truth…), and followed Wakka. After a few days journey, they had travelled a fair distance. They kept Tidus quiet by slipping mild doses of tranquillisers into his drinks. They were walking when Wakka stopped abruptly.

"Here. This tree." He walked over to the ancient oak and began studying its surface.

"Heeheehee! That's one HILARIOUS dragonfly! Look at it! It's flying all over the place! Hahaha!" exclaimed Tidus, tears of laughter running down his face as he chased after the poor insect.

"Got it! Watch this, ya! Krimalis Yokuchen!" Wakka cried, making a complicated hand signal in the air. With an almighty, crack like the earth was splitting, a gap appeared in the tree trunk. "Quick! Follow me!"

They all followed Wakka through the gap, and down a winding passage. There were a number of side passages branching off, but he ignored them completely. There was an earthy path in the air as they followed the passage gradually sloping downwards. Just as they thought it would never end, a faint light was dimly visible, getting gradually lighter. Finally, they could see a carved archway up ahead, beyond which was what appeared to be an underground forest. They reached it and, and it was indeed what they had thought, but the trees were different colours, and different shades.

"Welcome to Yuliam, ya?" Wakka said, looking enthusiastic.

"Wakka? Is that you? It is! We've missed you so!" the speaker was a man, of sorts. He had pointed ears, hair exactly the same shade as Wakka's, and was clad in a green garment. There was something odd about the way he spoke as well. He spoke words that were completely strange to them, it could have even been random babble, but somehow they knew exactly what he was saying.

"Hi, pa!" cried Wakka, joyously, embracing the… thing. Then he caught the stunned looks that he was receiving from his friends. "Err, guys, I think it's time you knew." He pulled of some rubber from the sides of his head, revealing a pair of pointy ears. "I'm a leprechaun."

* * *

**A/N:** Hah! Weren't expecting that, huh? We like to keep you on your toes! Anyways, please review!


	4. Ermalily Weasel

**7th May 2005**

**A/N: **Well, sorry it's taken so long to update, we've had exams. Anyway, hope you enjoy the new vhapter, it's even odder than the last, guaranteed! Expect danger, shocks and weaselly goodness.

**Ermalily and all her Weasels.**

"…!" Exclaimed the shocked friends, silently.

"Uh, are you ok, Lu?" Wakka asked Lulu, who looked as if she was about to faint.

"Y-you're a… a LEPRECHAUN!"

"Well, yeah, I thought you'd guessed by now…"

"But- But your magic is so weak!"

"That's why I left The Underground City of Wonder and Magic: Yuliam, ya?" said Wakka, as if this was perfectly normal, "I went out in search of a new career in Blitzball!"

"Oh…"

"Come on! I'll explain more on the way; we must go and see Ermalily! She will know what to do…"

So the confused group followed Wakka along a path that weaved in and out of the trees. Occasionally they glimpsed fast moving blurs that looked like squirrels with thin tails. Wakka caught their curious glances.

"Weasels. The Great Ermalily has need of a great deal of protection. Don't worry, they know me and wont hurt any of us."

"…Oh, err, that's nice?" said Auron, who was looking very nervous under the stares of the unseen rodent eyes.

"We're in Warren Wood at the moment. We're heading north to see The Wise Weasel: Ermalily. She knows a great deal about Mikka Becko the Humanoid Gecko and his Gecko army. More than most, anyway… She lives at the edge of the forest, at the very centre of Yuliam."

"Err, what _is_ Yuliam?" inquired Yuna.

"Yuliam is where Imps, Pixies, Fairies, Leprechauns and other supernatural beings live to get away from the humans. I'm one of the few of us living on the surface world. Also, with the growing threat of the Geckos, it's becoming increasingly dangerous. I even have to speak in this Jamaican accent to hide my true identity. If Mikka Becko found out he'd kill me for sure…"

"…Oooo-kay!" Rikku said, looking even more confused than usual. "This is where I draw the line! Leprechauns? Yuliam? Weasels? What's going to be next? Carnivorous fimbles?"

"Noooo! You said the name! Foolish human!"

"What?"

She soon found out. A haunting, high-pitched shriek came from somewhere in the forest. They drew their weapons. A few seconds that seemed to be an age passed as they listened to the crashes and shrieks drawing closer. Then, emerging from the forest with twigs and leaves in its Technicolor fur, was the fimble. Its stripy hide had grown thick and matted, its breathreeked of meat, and as it sounded its ravenous call they saw sharp teeth glint in the dappled light.

Auron was the first to recover from the shock. Shouldering his shimmering blade he charged at the monstrous beast and brought his sword down with all is strength. The wounded beast snarled with rage and pain, its stuffing everywhere. The fimble lowered its head and charged at Auron, knocking him to the floor. It bent over him, about to kill him when Yuna brought cast a cure spell on it. Shrieking and snarling, it fell on top of Auron and burst into pyreflies.

""Wow! How did you know it was undead, Yuna?" asked a surprised Wakka.

"I didn't. I… selected the wrong spell…"

"Oh. Well, it's a good job you did, otherwise we'd have had trouble beating that thing. They are terrifying beasts that lure children to their dens by day and feast upon them at night. Fumbles are creatures of the night, they appear if you say their name."

"What? fim- mmmph!"

"Yes! Just say fumble, ya?" Wakka withdrew his hand from over Rikku's overused mouth.

The gang pressed on through the forest and soon reached the house of Ermalily Weasel. Something seemed odd about the house, and as they drew closer they realised: it was made entirely of liquorice. The black door opened and they could just make out the silhouette of a tall figure with a tail.

"You're later than I predicted." It stated in a clear but strong voice. "Come in."

They walked in, following Wakka's lead and bowing their heads. They sat down as directed on a comfortable sofa that looked suspiciously like marshmallow. Rikku started to feast upon the fluffy goodness, but was stopped by a threatening glare from Wakka.

"So." The figure said picking up a large thorn. It walked over to Wakka and poked him with it.

"Oww!" he exclaimed, rubbing his arm.

"Sorry. I had to be sure that you were indeed Wakka and not a Gecko spy. Now, you have come to ask me to hep you beat the infamous Mikka Becko?"

"Ya. We need to know more about him, to start with, where his base is, what his weaknesses are."

"Ask the old guy."

"Hey! I'm only 35! That's not old!"

"Wait a minute! You mean that Auron is a spy?" Lulu cried.

"I am not! Well, I _was_, but that was, like- a week ago!"

"Sir Auron! How could you?" Yuna cried, astonished.

"Mikka Becko pays well. You do not." Replied Auron "Very well, I shall lead you to his lair, but other than that I cannot help you any further; he is a very secretive humanoid Gecko. He only told me what I had to know."

"Now." Started Ermalily. "I have seen you and your group in my dreams, the Chosen One alone can defeat Mikka Becko. He is closer than you think… or at least he was. He has amazing powers; music is the greatest gift of all. He must overcome Mikka Becko, and then the Geckos will become powerless. Without him we may as well give up now."

"Huh? Who're you talking 'bout?" This time it was Wakka's turn to be confused.

"Oh, no… I know who you mean." Yuna said. "Oh, no! He's not here!"

"Who isn't, wait. No! He's not the chosen one!" Cried Lulu, catching on.

"Yes! He went off chasing that insect, remember?" there were sighs and 'oh, no's from around the room. "Yes. Banjo man is the chosen one."

* * *

**A/N:** If you are still sane (or at least partially) after reading this, please review. Hell, please review if your mad; it's good for us to not feel alone in our craziness! We'll hopefully update soon! 


	5. Watch it! I have Banjo Powers!

" **Watch it, I have Banjo Powers!"**

**22nd May**

**Back to Tidus **

Tidus was pondering. Where the hell did that ladybird go? Banjo man had failed a mission to save the bug from a suicide attempt. He looked around and saw a locust.

" Banjo Man shall save the locust Prime Minister!" he shouted and skipped off to save the locust from hitting a tree.

An unusually loud rustling behind him distracted Tidus.

" Who's there? I'm warning you! I have Banjo Powers!" he said readjusting Lulu's knickers. " I'm not afraid to use them!"

" I am your ally, not your enemy Banjo Man." Hissed a slimy kind of voice. " Do you like cottage pie?"

" I shall reveal nothing! For great Banjo Man has-" he was cut short by the voice again.

" I do not need to know vhat you just did, I must know if you like cottage pie."

" No, I don't like cottage pie..."

" Damn, vell, do you like spring rolls?" the voice began to get a bit frustrated

" I shall reveal nothing! For great Banjo Man has-"

" Shut up! All I vant to know is vether you like spring rolls or not!"

" Hell no! Spring rolls are for-"

" Hmmm...vell...do you like cocktails?"

" I shall reveal nothing! For great Banjo Man has-"

" DO YOU LIKE COCKTAILS!"

" what the hell are they?"

" never mind, I assume you like them.."

" I like cocktails? Can I have one?"

" no this is part of my evil persuasion plan, get lost." It said quickly " could you serve me up some evil with a dash of death? Slashed not strangled..."

" absolutely! That'll be 15.59 please, anything else?" replied Tidus in a barmaid-ish way

" damn" the voice whispered as it came from behind a tree, into the clearing where Tidus was pretending to make a cocktail " this is not going as I planned, the chosen one should obey me, not play foolish games!"

" there you go handsome, what time are you planning on leaving here tonight...OH MY GOD!" screamed Tidus at the sight of Mikka Becko the Humanoid Gecko. " hello, have we met?"

" stupid boy. Could you not guess from my evil metaphor, that I need you to kill?"

Tidus could not stop staring at the lizard before him, tall, green and wearing a black cape.

" hey...are you a super hero?"

' perfect' thought Mikka Becko " I am, we have a villain on our hands"

" I do! Get off, get off! Out damned evil...out I say...will these hands ever be clean?"

" vhy do I bother? Banjo Man, I have a proposition for you-"

" why, I didn't know you felt that way about me! I'm flattered! I accept!"

" I knew this vas a bad idea, anyway, I need you to exterminate Ermalily Weasel."

" come again?" asked Tidus stupidly ( as he does ) " I don't remember anything...I got to close to Sins Toxin...my heads all foggy like..."

" yes but that was ages ago, I vant you to exterminate Ermalily Weasel!

" you're on! I'll have it done in a day!"

Tidus wished he had kept his mouth shut, who the hell was this Ermalily? And where was she?

**Back to the matter at hand **

" I shall help you on destroying Mikka Becko, but only the chosen one can stop him coming back!" explained Ermalily " Banjo Man, it is no coincidence he became what he became-"

" yeah a total moron" whispered Wakka

" shefoshnitagdernferestiatishaz! I heard that!" Ermalily shouted

" shefiti what?" asked Lulu

" err...yeah, my real name is shefoshnitagdernferestiatishaz."

" who? I didn't catch that?" said Lulu edging further and further away from the man she was going to marry in the future. " say it slowly...please"

" Okay, shefo-shnit-tag-dern-feresti-ati-shaz, just call me Wakka." He smiled

" anyway, I shall be on my way...hagastri!" announced the Weasel Queen.

Suddenly thousands of giant Ninja Weasels dressed in gi's came swiftly flooding through the doors. Katanas in their hand and Shuriken in their belts they looked extremely terrifying. Kimahri squeaked.

"HAGASTRI! Hagastri!" cried Ermaliliy as the Ninja Weasels settled down " we prepare for the extermination of Mikka Becko!"

The Ninja's were silent.

They left, avoiding curious looks from other leprechauns. Through the trees, sights of striped animals could be seen ripping at dead animals.

" we must call upon the Fumbles!" ( inhabitants were forbidden to say the word " Fimbles" as the creatures would come and slash them. " Fimbles" are actually characters from a British children's program that look like elephants. The walk on two feet and have no trunk. ' they lure children in by day, and eat them by night') " Fumbles have incredible destructive power when called upon correctly" explained Ermalily. She shuddered as she looked across at the carnivorous beasts in the woods.

As they came to the main entrance, many leprechauns were crowded round a giant cage. As the gang walked closer the saw a small Fimble, it was pink and green. It began to whine.

" not bad, not bad!" it cried " baby Pom not bad Fimble!"

Ermalily explained that even though this was cute, it was even more deadly than the rest. This was what they would call a SCCCF a Special Case Carnivorous Cannibal Fimble. Dangerous.

Baby Pom would be one of the keys to defeating Mikka Becko.

**The Extermination plan**

" Banjo! BANJO! Diddlediddlediddlediddlediddle Banjo! BANJO! Diddlediddlediddlediddlediddle!" sang Tidus as he skipped merrily through the woods " lalalalalalalala, POP GOES THE WEASEL!"

Mikka Becko had run off, doing what Geckos do best. Sticking and shlurping. As he stuck upside down on the tree trunk he rolled his eyes at Tidus's singing echoing through the woods.

" Mikka Becko, Mikka Becko, he was bad, he was bad, climbing down the tree trunks, climbing down the tree trunks, with sticky pads, with sticky pads." ' God' Tidus thought, ' these knickers are hell to wear! They're coming off!' so Tidus stood in the middle of empty space, sunlight beaming down on him. He took off the knickers and replaced them with a dead squirrel. " Good!" he said and carried on skipping.

A while later, Tidus was in the middle of his favorite song (to the tune of " I'm a little teapot" ..." I'm a little summoner, weak and small, I'm so pathetic cuz I'm 4 foot tall. When I come to face Sin, I know that, he'll throw me up and squash me flat!") He bumped into something humanoid and furry.

He looked up to see a giant rat, surrounded by thousands of giant rats in black rags.

" Hello rat, do you know any weasels?" he asked politely " see I'm looking for one to destroy, but if I can't find Edgar Weasel, a rat will have to do..." he saw the rat looking annoyed.

" Edgar? Edgar weasel? Never heard of him, but I'm Ermalily..." said the rat

" Ermalily...Ermalily...have I heard of that name before?...nope!" he muttered to himself

" Ermalily weasel.. Excuse me, but do you know a man called Tidus? AKA Banjo man?"

" Tidus...Tidus...have I heard of that name before?...nope! Sorry I couldn't help you, mind you only a moron would be called something like Tidus!" Ermalily was not amused.

So Tidus walked on, singing " pop goes the weasel" constantly.

Again Tidus bumped into som thing. It was humanoid and furry. So he looked up, expecting to see the giant rat again. It wasn't, it was Wakka's chest.

" Hello, you look familiar...are you that caterpillar I found underneath my toenail last week? Or are you that hairball I found up my nose? Or even, are you that Leprechaun that I found under my pillow?"

" You could say that...Tidus..." said Wakka uncomfortably " we need Ermalily! Have you seen her?"

" No. I've seen Edgar the giant rat though!"

" We don't need Edgar, we need Ermailiy!" shouted Lulu as she crept up behind Wakka. The rest of the gang followed her.

" hello! You look familiar-"

" Oh shut the hell up!" screamed Yuna " we need to find Ermalily! We lost her when a giant Fumble attacked us!"

" Fumble? Don't you mean Fimble?" said Tidus

About 500 metres away, Baby Pom (the SCCCF) pricked up her ears. She thrashed at her cage, ignoring the cries of the helpless Leprechauns whizzing around her. One final thrash and the cage broke, unleashing the destructive power of the Fimble...

Tidus could hear an earsplitting cry. " Heh, those wild cats are mating again-"

" That's no mating cat... THAT'S A FIMBLE!" cried Wakka, as he ran stupidly in circles.

" Hey I realize where this is going! You really want to cover up the fact that you're the caterpillar I found cowering in my toenail!" said Tidus calmly

" No way! This is an emergency! You get your ass outa here ya!" said Wakka.

" Oh like the type of emergency when you were scared you were going to start accidentally loving women instead of men?" asked Tidus displaying a huge cheeky grim spread from ear to ear.

" Quit...lying...that's not...true" Wakka fibbed.

Suddenly a giant creature emerged from the trees; it grabbed a nearby deer, grazing peacefully and shredded it with its claws.

" Have no fear!" cried Tidus, the dead squirrel hanging limply around his waist. " I have BANJO POWERS!"

HA! We will write another chapter when we can come up with some more crazy ideas. Hoped you liked it. Please review! From Nyviay.


	6. BanjoMan Begins!

BanjoMan Begins 

( forget Batman)

**_A/N: _**The next Chapter in Tidus and his Banjo, another funny story, that involves Blue Blood, BumNut the Banjo and Kimahri's Phone problem. Please read, you WILL laugh. I promise.

Nyviay

" Me and my banjo, all alone, we won't let that nasty old Auron get you, will we? No we won't...no we won't" squeaked Tidus stroking his beloved chunk of wood.

"Hey Tidus! You talking to yourself again?" called Wakka from in front " will you cut it out? It's getting kinda scary, ya?"

"Shhh, shhh, shhh, just ignore him banjo, he's jealous of our love"

"I CAN still hear you, you know Tidus!"

"Hey BanjoGirl! Get over here!" He called out.

"Yes your greatness," replied Yuna sarcastically " coming your greatness."

"You know what?" Tidus asked as his would-be-girlfriend-if-Tidus-hadn't-chosen-a-mouldy-banjo-over-her approached him "Me and my little friend here wondered what would happen if you stabbed yourself with an ink pen. Would it turn your blood blue or not?"

" This makes as much sense as the time you asked me how long your nose hair would look if you didn't have a nose." She replied dully " Is that all you wanted to ask me?"

"No. I was wondering who Edgar Rat was."

" Edgar Rat? Who have you been talking to?...WAKKA!"

" What?" called the gay leprechaun that was attempting to chat up Auron " Has Tidus finally admitted his love for me?"

" Er...no...Forget it" she called back " anyway," the summoner turned round " who's Edgar Rat?"

"I don't know! That's why I asked you!"

" Have you met him?"

"Yes"

" Where? In your blonde head? Or is he real?"

"Excuse me, Edgar Rat is about as real as what lies under my underpants."

"Well...that's not very REAL is it?"

" It is!...Wanna see?" he asked Yuna

Wakka turned round " I DO!" Tidus pulled a disgusted face.

A while later Tidus was wondering again...a very dangerous thing for a Blonde to do...believe me, I know.

But anywho, he was wondering about the giant rodent that he had bumped into. It had been wearing a sort of black rag, and had a sword like Auron's. He explained this to Lulu.

"Well all I can say is you've mistaken Ermalily Weasel for...an Edgar Rat"

" What the hell is an Ermalily Weasel?" asked Tidus still stroking his banjo. " Well, me and BumNut have never heard of such a guy."

"It's a Girl...and who the hell is BumNut?"

"Why...BumNut is my darling banjo!"

" Unbelievable," replied Lulu "you gave it a NAME?"

"Well, what do you call your dolls?"

"Stupid stuffed Mogs"

Tidus stomped off at this point and joined Wakka

"Hey...HEY! WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH YOUR EARS?"

"Yeah I know, I'm a leprechaun."

"You're a frickin' spasticated mongifacated deviant!"

"That's a little harsh, don't you think? I prefer it to be called a 'misunderstood difference'" Wakka replied.

"Um...aren't Leprechauns supposed to be tiny little men that dance around toadstools?"

"I think you're getting us mixed up with Gnomes" he said, looking down on Tidus, who, still was stroking his banjo.

"Who's Ermalily Weasel? Lulu told me about him."

"Well firstly, it's a giant ninja weasel that is trying to defeat evil Mikka Becko, and secondly, he is a she."

"Amazing...Mikka Becko, who's he?"

"The evil Humanoid Gecko...the one that you're supposed to destroy." Wakka explained as simply as he could for the half-witted blonde that stood next to him. "That ring any bells to you?"

"Why? Are we getting married? I DIDN'T AGREE TO THIS! **_IT'S ALL TO MUCH FOR ME!"_**

"Hey take it easy, we're not getting married, however much I'd love to. I'm saying do you recognize anything I've just said about Mikka Becko?"

' Hmm' he thought ' wasn't Mikka Becko that crocodile thing that sneaked up on me and asked me to join him in his evil schemes?...nah! couldn't of been him!'

" No" he replied " but he said something about a Weasel"

"He who?" asked a confused Wakka " who have you been talking to?...AURON!"

"That's my name, don't wear it out Wakka" Auron called back upon hearing his name. " What do you want?"

"Er...nothing...forget it," said Wakka sheepishly " Tidus, about Mikka Becko, you said you'd spoken to him"

" Oh yes! He asked me to help him Destroy Emalily Weasel" replied Tidus with his usual half witt grin " I said I would and then found you guys"

"YOU WHAT! You're going to help him! Do you know he's evil, trying to take over the world...you know the classic evil schemes." Yelled Wakka, turning a brighter shade of red than his hair.

"Oh." was all Tidus replied with.

The gang moved further south of Macalania Woods. Rikku was being a Rikku and in her usual Hyper mood. Tidus was beginning to get bored so he tried to impress Yuna by showing off his "BanjoPowers"

" I, the almighty BanjoMan, will demonstrate what it takes to be a successful banjo-loving super hero!"

"Well, being 'successful' is going to be extremely difficult for you." Moaned Yuna to herself " you couldn't even save an orange from extinction"

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?" yelled BanjoMan down her ear, and with that he whizzed off.

Yuna was left to herself. She was pleased with this. She wondered what life would have been like if she hadn't included Tidus in her journey. If she hadn't asked him to be her guardian, would she be any happier? After all, she wanted her pilgrimage to be filled with laughter...but this isn't what she had in mind. Tidus was a complete Moron.

"SEE!" squeaked Tidus as he leapt on Yuna's back " I CAN save an orange from extinction!"

" Tidus, 1) do you mind getting OFF my back, and 2) that's a pear."

"Ha..haha...pears are an endangered species! Don't you know?" He stated as he climbed down from Yuna's back.

" Tidus, you haven't a clue what you're talking about. Mind you, nor do I. If you really want to impress me...um...do something amazing"

"How about I-"

"Apart from trying to make lemonade from sweet wrappers. Remember what happened?"

"Yeah," Tidus said grinning again "I won't try THAT again"

" Auron where's Ermalily?" Yuna asked her guardian " she was supposed to be meeting us."

"Did you alert her that we have found him?"

" I thought Kimahri did"

"Foolish, Ermalily will not be able to understand Kimahri. Where did you put the phone?"

"I let Kimahri hold it for a while, he was whining again."

Auron wasn't impressed, he looked over to Kimahri, and then back at Yuna. He said-" Have you SEEN the phone lately?"

"No." she replied " I'll ask him...KIMAHRI!"

The Ronso turned to face her.

" Kimahri, have you still GOT the phone?"

"Yes, Kimahri has phone"

"Where?"

"..."

" Kimahri where is it?" asked Auron " we need that phone"

"Kimahri was hungry, Kimahri has eaten phone. Phone not delicious, but appetizing"

" KIMAHRI!" Auron and Yuna said in unison

" Lulu, how are we gonna get to Ermalily now?" asked Wakka after overhearing the previous conversation.

" I'm...not sure, but we'll find a way."

"Do you think Tidus can fly?"

"I very much doubt it," Lulu answered back, confused "why do you ask?"

"He could fly to Ermalily and tell her we're ready"

"Brilliant idea Wakka!" she said sarcastically "and ask him to pick up a Big-Mac and a large fries on the way too."

Wakka scowled.

"You're more dim than Tidus, and, aren't Leprechauns supposed to be a superior race?"

"No, now you've got us confused with HobGoblins"

"What's the difference? They're all butt-ugly"

Wakka scowled again.

"I can't think of a way to contact Miss Weasel, but I'm sure she could contact us-"

At that moment, a funny vibration and a tinny little tune was just about audible over Tidus and Yuna's bickering.

"Kimahri is ringing" said the beast poking his stomach.

"Oh, Shit!" cursed Auron " why the Fck does she have to ring now!"

" Auron! Shhh, there are children under the name of Tidus round here!"

"Kimahri, answer the damn phone!" Auron shouted.

"I'LL DO IT!" Sang Tidus as he jumped over Auron's head. He stood in front of Kimahri and opened the Ronso's mouth. Next he stuck his head down Kimahri's throat and said-" Hello, this is Tidus, AKA BanjoMan, who's calling Kimahri's stomach please?"

"This is Ermalily, I have good news"

"Spit it out then, Ratty"

"I'm a Weasel, anyway I have managed to harness the Fumble called Pom, we will benefit greatly from her destructive nature"

"What, in the name of Lord Braska is a Fumble?"

"A Fumble? Or a F-I-M-B-L-E, is a creature that guards our layer."

"A F-I-M-B-...That spells Fimble! Why'd you change it?"

"Put me on to your leader." Asked a frustrated Ermalily

"Why? Are you an alien? Are you going to take over our leader, transform yourself into him, store him in a back cupboard, control all the citizens and destroy the planet?"

"No, just put me onto Wakka"

"But-"

"JUST DO IT!" Tidus passed Kimahri to Wakka. The leprechaun didn't bother with Tidus's procedure.

"Hello?...hmmm...uh-huh...why?...all right...yes...when?...no...okay see you soon...bye"

"what was it?" asked Rikku " is Ermie alright?"

"Yeah, don't call her that though" replied Wakka

" What did she say?" Rikku urged "about the Fumbles? Power? Location of Mikka Becko? Schemes? Ninja's? BanjoMan?"

" How do you know?" queried the leprechaun " can you read my mind?"

"No, no, my eyes have nothing to do with it at all"

"I didn't ask you that" said Wakka, his face screwed up in confusion.

"Oh, look, the Airship!" she yelled, everyone looked up. Rikku scampered.

"Blasted Al-Bhed," moaned Wakka " Ermalily wants us to meet her North of Macalania, Back in the Thunder Plains."

" What's her plan?" Lulu asked

" I don't know, she didn't say..."

After rejoining with Rikku, they set off back to the Thunder Plains...only they didn't tell the Al-Bhed girl.

Little did they know, Dark Ixion would be there to greet them at the gates...

" I love this!" called Tidus " Us lot, on an adventure."

"Well I don't," muttered Yuna "besides, it's not an 'adventure', it's a pilgrimage"

"Same Difference! I still love it though"

"Well," announced Rikku, " here we are...HOLY FLYING MAELSPIKE! **_WE'RE IN THE THUNDER PLAINS!_**" Rikku jumped about 3 feet in the air, as a lightning bolt struck the ground not far from her.

"Well, well, well," someone said behind them " if it isn't the traitors! No traitors of Yevon can be permitted on these sacred lands, I will eliminate you!"

It was a Summoner. He began summoning an Aeon as the gang shook with terror. Except Tidus. He hadn't caught on how dangerous the situation was.

Kimahri looked up. There was nothing. He had heard a noise that had attracted his attention up on one of the Lightning Rods.

There it was again. He looked up to the towering Rod opposite to see a creature bathed in lightning. The Rod was struck and the air around the creature was illuminated. Kimahri saw Dark Ixion.

It jumped down, emitting an eerie horse's screech that shook every particle around them. Pawing the ground, it attacked.

Thundaja, the most powerful Lightning attack, knocked Auron out.

" I'll take care of this!" yelled Tidus " no-one, except me is allowed to attack Auron!"

_**To be continued...**_

**_A/N: _**Well, what do you think? I'll write another chapter soon, so you can find out what becomes of BanjoMan and the gang. Will Ermalily ever rid Spira of Mikka Becko the Humanoid Gecko? Will Wakka ever go strait? Find out soon.

If you enjoyed this chapter, please review. I'll be waiting!

Best wishes

Nyviay xxx

**_P.S._** Cyraxis wrote Executive Decision, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!


	7. JAFFA POWERS!

Sorry this mad story hasn't been updated for AGES but I needed ideas and I have been so busy writing stories for Fiction Press. Hope you enjoy! It enriched with randomly random goodness!

"I shall take care of this!" yelled Tidus as he jumped around shouting like a hooligan at a fancy dress party. The summoner looked round, confused, he pointed at the daft blob darting towards him. Dark Ixion nodded and began charging for another Thundaja attack.

Tidus skipped up to the aeon and miraculously jumped over it. "Wow!" he wowed "I can fly! BEWARE BAD BOLTIFYED HORSE! I CAN FLY! And there's nothing you can do about it!"

Dark Ixion whizzed round only to receive a slap on the face from our…um…hero.

"BITCH!" he exclaimed. "How dareth thee! Thou shalt never thunderbolteth…Auron…eth."

"Alright! Enough!" yelled an extremely frustrated Yuna. "Tidus! Go save that orange again, stay out of the way!" She magically got her staff from NOWHERE, like they normally do and began summoning Bahamut.

"YAY!" Tidus cried out of sheer excitement "yay, activate JAFFA POWERS!"

Lulu sighed and watched the deranged psychopath skip merrily towards the South exit of the Thunder Plains. She sneakily cast a Watara spell on Dark Ixion whilst Yuna was watching the great dragon descend from the sky.

**Meanwhile…  
**

Tidus was wondering where the hell he would find another orange to save. Last time he had found one in the back of Auron's trousers (pants) and shown it Yuna…to discover it was a pear. He looked around and saw an Evil Eye perched on top of the lightning rod nearest to him.

"Hoo hay! I'm not gay! I'm here to save the day!" he sang as he tried to…fly, I suppose…towards the evil eye that sat upon the lightning rod. "huh, another one…"

"Damn it! Must activate flying powers again, how did I do it last time?" He tried to recall everything he did before the small step that merged into a giant leap (speachright of Armstrong). Hmmm…walking…shouting and being a total spaz basically. Being a hooligan?

Tidus thought he was the smartest person on the planet for remembering what he had done about 5 minute's previously. So, joyously he twirled round in circles (radius exactly 7.97879 mm…pointless, I know) and shouted at the top of his voice something about the best ways to smash a cherry cake. Hooligan. Yeah…

Yuna saw Tidus having a mental breakout and sighed. 'We need saving'. She thought as she thought about committing suicide. "Um…hey, could you like, save this battle for another time? We've really got to go and save someone, and you know regular hero/traitor stuff yeah?" She abandoned her summoning.

Dark Ixion and its summoner gave a dark look as if to say "No flippin' way"

Wakka's head was spinning. The only way out of this is to unleash a fimble…or, the next best thing…a whizzing moron…

"TIDUS!" He called. The caped teenager didn't hear him. He was whizzing around in circles and stopping every few seconds as if trying to fly or something. "**_TIDUS"_** He yelled as loud as his little leprechaun lungs would let him. Tidus spun round to face him.

He ran. Wakka had just called his name. MAYBE HE HAD FOUND A RANDOM ORANGE TREE! But as soon as he got there, he realized this was not so. "So? You called me?"

"No," Wakka said sarcastically "we called the whizzing blob."

"Oh, alright then, tell me if you need me!"

"I can't believe I'm saying this," moaned Wakka, "But we-need-you…phew"

"You need me to save the lives of citizens?"

Wakka nodded

"You need me to destroy Dark Ixion?"

Wakka nodded

"You need me to use my Jaffa Powers against the beast?"

Wakka's head was getting tired of nodding, but he did so.

"You need me?"

Nod.

"You want me?"

Nod

"You will love me and never leave me?"

Nod...I mean no nod…

"Tidus, just listen…" hissed Wakka. "Come here…" Tidus came, Tidus listened and Tidus nodded like young boy that realized there was a chocolate cake in the kitchen…

"Yes, I mean no…I don't understand" mumbled Tidus

"WOW! That's a big word for you isn't it?"

"What is?...UNDERSTAND? "

Wakka nodded…again

"Heh, I is a big boy, and my grammar is gooder than yours…My prunusiashun is mega as well!"

"Anyway…just do what I told you! Now go!"

"But I don't know how!"

"MY GOD! All you have to do is move your face muscles!"

Tidus waltzed up to the summoner and smiled.

That was it. That was Wakka's plan of the century. That was the most pathetic ending to a fight I have ever written but it proves that everybody is a moron in their own way. oO

The summomner seemed perplexed. 'And a smile is supposed to scare me how?' But the longer he stared at the Banjo freak with a decaying lump of wood tied to his forehead, the scarier the smile became…

Something came into account, what if this is the ONE? Every decent summoner had heard of the ONE. The ONE could destroy any creature with ease. The ONE was staring him in the face. The ONE was BANJOMAN.

**Half an hour later…**

Tidus was amazed with himself! He had actually saved a group of people. The summoner had run off petrified…at a smile! 'Girlies, come and get me' he thought to himself that he thought he thinked himself think…he thought…

"Wow, I'm sooo amazing, and if I do say so myself, sexy and cool. Like the slick moves Yuna? I'm sorry, but to get a date with B Man, you'll have to wait on a list…"

"How longs this LIST?"

"It is…let me think…1..2..345…6.7.8…..9…10…………….11….12…13…Um…I haven't actually got anyone on the list yet…BUT WHEN EVERYONE HEARS OF MY BRAVERY, THEY CAN'T HELP BUT LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE ME!" yelled Tidus to every passing woman. He received odd glares as he tried to fly in front of them too.

They were back in Macalania woods, but Eramliliy wasn't here to meet them.

Heh, I loved writing this! I hoped you enjoyed reading it! Sorry we haven't updated for so long, but I have been so busy with my fiction press account. Hint hint…please send a sample of the product back the costumer and explain that this is a rather random author's note.

Anyway, please review…constructive criticism welcome, but only if you a willing participant of newspaper crosswords…xxx


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